i · wish · i · was · special

soo unhappy. so stressed.

i hate that since the age of 13 i was never able to act like a kid.
i hate having to pretend im 30 and pay ALL of my own stuff.
i hate being so far in debt that it makes me cry.
i hate my cellphone. i hope it breaks
i hate driving soo much.. it takes so much money from me.
i hate having to act mature and older and be the.."responsible" one
i hate how i hurt everyone else
i hate how much i hurt.
i hate how nothing works out right.
i hate feeling like a failure.
i hate not knowing what the future might bring
i hate money.
i hate bills
i hate "certain" people in my life for taking my childhood away from me.
i hate the way you dont care.
i hate the way you treat me
i hate the way everyone lies.
i hate clifton high school.
i hate prom stuff.
i hate it
i hate it
i hate it

well here is a long time coming update..

this weekend was really great while it lasted. on Friday matt and i went to home depot =]  and got wood to build me a "box" or chest for my bedroom. its awesomeeee! we built it together ; )  lol well i just kind of watched while he did the work but still. it was together. Saturday we went to Jersey Gardens and then started the box. Sunday we headed up to the track to watch my dad and ray race. it was fun i guess. i didnt really wanna be there. but hey. what are you gonna do. i got to see my dad run his dragster so im happy. We left after 2 or 3 hrs and i slept the whole way home =]  we finished the box almost completely.. all thats left is sanding and staining. cool stuff. ill post pics when its done.

well anyway.. i got accepted to kean university. and im happy about that. but my parents want me going to William Paterson. i dont care where i go just as long as i go and am happy with what i do.. on monday at&t shut off my cellphone again. what dicks. they turned it back on yesterday so its okay. skate and surf coming up soon i really wanna go but we will see what happens. and prom is coming in may.. what fun.

this week has been absolutely horrible. everything that possibly could go wrong. has gone wrong. im really sick of it being this way. im about to give up on it all. I hate the way its become, I hate the person I am now--so angry and bitter. that isnt me at all. We fight constantly to a point that i cant take it.. the constant fighting kills me so much.  my friends and the choices that some of them make scare me and i worry so much about them. most of the choices i make or have made and their consequences bother me. its always about the "what if's" or the regrets of some choices i've made in the past. i still make plenty of choices that i regret but its all a learning process. some people i know i wish i never had met because then things would've been a little better and easier. i can't wait for college and getting out of high school. meeting new people. gaining some new friendships and what not. i hope it gets good in the end.

so maybe people are right. maybe i have changed. a lot of things in my life have changed in the last couple months. and i thought for the better but i guess not. ive let go of great friendships and have become a horrible friend. i cant manage two things at once. i cant make everyone happy. my friends are very important people to me. i love them to death for everything they have done for me. and im sorry if i have been completely rude and just horrible. i never meant to turn my back on any of you. i wish i could spend a whole day with each of you individually like things used to be. but everyone and everything has changed. and i want it to be how it used to be. friends have moved. some have new loves in their life. new friends. etc. i guess we all change. but i never meant to just leave all of you. i wish our weekdays and weekends were filled with excitement like they always were. the nights of getting lost. the greatest sleepovers in the world. ice cream dates. being stupid. vacations. i miss it all a lot. im always here for you guys. sorry i cant be perfect. i love you guys<3 i hope you can forgive me.